


Real When Shared

by Shrineofstones



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Found Family, Gentleness, M/M, Post-Canon, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shrineofstones/pseuds/Shrineofstones
Summary: “You like the boy, don’t you?” Baruch asked him one day, settling by his side with a barely imperceptible rustle of wings.
Relationships: Balthamos/Baruch
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16
Collections: Rare Male Slash Exchange 2020





	Real When Shared

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whalebone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whalebone/gifts).



“You like the boy, don’t you?” Baruch asked him one day, settling by his side with a barely imperceptible rustle of wings.

“Don’t be foolish,” he huffed, and wrapped one of his own wings around Baruch’s powerfully built body to take the sting from his words. “He is an annoyance, an irritation, a gnat in the stream of our otherwise perfect reality. He is stubborn, and constantly fails to listen, and respects nobody but himself and that girl trapped in another world…”

“All of which are admirable traits,” Baruch interrupted him, a teasing smile upon his handsome face. “Especially to you.”

“What do you mean, especially to me?” He turned, slightly incredulously. “I do not love difficulty, Baruch. In fact I despise it, I regard it as one of the most troublesome traits that humanity has to offer and _especially_ troublesome in Will Parry.”

“Of course, of course,” Baruch murmured, his tone conciliatory but the sparkle in his eyes anything but. “Which is exactly why you’ve followed him across worlds-”

“Under orders,” he protested rapidly, taking some offence.

“-Even after the war was won, and we were all free to follow only the inclinations of our own hearts,” Baruch finished firmly, giving him a firm look that sent a blush glowing on his insubstantial cheeks. “Which is exactly why you’ve kept watching him, even after we landed in his world. Why you’ve kept looking after him, smoothing things for him even when it made a lot more work for yourself. Why you’ve tried to soothe him, in subtle and quiet ways, when he’s mourned all that he’s lost.”

He stared for a moment. Awestruck, unused to being called out in such a way.

He swallowed, and gathered his dignity around him like a cloak. Baruch knew him too well to see it as anything other than a saving of face, but his lover was kind and good and so only favoured him with an indulgent smile. “Very well. Maybe despise is too strong a word.”

“Of course,” Baruch murmured, and gently laced their fingers together. “I’m glad you’ve realized it.”

“But ‘like’ is also too strong a word.” He raised his other hand, the one not naturally clutching at Baruch’s tender flesh, into a decided point. “I do not like him, I have only done all of these things out of… Out of necessity, out of a sense of duty that I find it disappointingly hard to discard.”

“If you say so,” Baruch said beatifically, giving him an incredibly calm smile that inevitably meant trouble. “Would you, out of love for me, mind explaining your reasoning behind that, though?”

“It is quite simple.” He drew in a deep breath, thought deeply for a moment about how simple it was before quickly hurrying on. “I followed him across worlds because we had nowhere else to go. It was either him, or returning to the other angels and forming a whole new republic of heaven and accepting a thousand more pieces of work. I am dutiful, you _know_ I am dutiful, but I thought we both deserved a retirement after all that we’ve been through.”

So much fighting, so much strife. Two near death experiences: Baruch almost being torn apart by his brother’s minions, and he almost being killed by that human’s daemon until Baruch’s healing touch had restored him. They were both brave, both incredibly brave, but they had quailed together at the thought of facing any more strife.

“That makes sense,” Baruch said softly, and squeezed his hand until he was brought back to the present. So wonderful, to still have his anchor right besides him. “But why choose the boy’s world? Why was it him, and literally nobody else? We are eternal beings, outside of time and decay and all the unfortunate matters that impact the mortals. We could’ve stayed with the mulefa, lived peacefully in their world and learned their ways. We could’ve gone with the girl instead, settled in her Oxford and pretended to be daemons for fun. Or we could’ve discovered brand new worlds, gone on adventures entirely free of the Authority or any of his poisonous rules…”

He sighed, low through his nose. Gave Baruch a rueful look, both cursing and blessing the fact that he had a lover who knew him so very well. “This _world_ just seemed the nicest of all options. It had nothing to do with the boy, nothing at all.”

“If you say so, love,” Baruch murmured again, his voice sounding decidedly dubious. “If it is only Will’s world that matters, though, that still doesn’t explain why you’ve taken such a decided interest in all of his troubles.”

“Because…” He hesitated for a long moment, was startled into words again only by the slow and pointed arch of Baruch’s eyebrow in his direction. “Because by easing his troubles, I am easing our own. If he had been taken into custody by social services, or even the police, their questions would’ve eventually revealed his story. If his story had been revealed, then eventually somebody would’ve started to believe it and take action. If they decided to take action, then it would only be a few short steps until they found us and caused trouble. It’s really quite simple, my dear.”

“When put that way, I suppose it is,” Baruch said, sounding far from convinced. “But, and I hope you will forgive me for saying, that does not explain why you worked so hard to reunite the boy with his mother. Or why you made sure that they could move to a far better house, in a far better neighbourhood. Or even why you have been stubbornly whispering in the ear of every person who has thought to trouble him, and turning them to a better path.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“I’m just saying,” Baruch continued, in a perfectly tranquil voice. “If I didn’t know better, I would think all of those things were a sign of a decided partiality towards the boy.”

“But you do know better,” he said, very sternly, and attempted to draw himself up as best he could. “And as such you know that it’s nothing of the sort. It’s just another way to make things better for us. If Will is happy and soothed then he’ll be less likely to look around him, and thus less likely to notice our presence. And if he doesn’t notice our presence, then he won’t drag us into any more loathsome adventures.”

Baruch, far bigger than him and adoringly enough in love to be immune to any kind of intimidation attempt, only gave him a fond look in response. “Very well, I believe you. But what about the soothing?”

Oh, _no_. He stared in horror for a long moment, desperately scrambling for words inside his head yet again. “Uh.”

“You can explain away following him by a certain fondness for his world,” Baruch said, his tone heavy with scepticism that he’d ever be so fond of a world full of smog and business and constant noise. “You can explain away making things easier for him, by insisting that you are actually making things easier for us instead. But can you explain away the way you soothe him? The way you stand over him at night when he cries, the way you wrap your wings around him when he wavers, the way you whisper reminders of his bravery into his ears when he feels small and alone?”

He thought for a long moment, desperately.

“It… Also makes things easier for us,” he tried, his voice growing more and more confident as he carried on with the very sensible charade. “Again, if he is unhappy he will start to pay more attention to the world around him. If I can make him a little happier, in fits and starts, then he will be content and distracted and will never notice-”

“No,” Baruch interrupted, surprisingly blunt, and then gave him a gloriously sunlit smile. “His happiness makes things no easier for us, Balthamos. In fact, it seems to mean that you spend most of your time trying to make him feel better when you could be doing things to actually benefit us. I do not criticise this, I would far rather you be compassionate than mercenary, but please do not try that lie.”

“Very well, then it is about compassion,” he said somewhat stiffly, again cursing and blessing the fact of a man - a lover - who knew him even better than he knew himself. “I am just doing what any angel would do, what you yourself would do if you were there first. It isn’t a personal interest in him, not at all, it’s just a general interest in every human being who has ever suffered.”

“No,” Baruch interrupted him again, voice a little firmer this time. “You know how much I love you, you know how I adore you more and more with every single breath, but you do not have a general interest in every human being who has ever suffered. You are compassionate, but you are also stern. You do not take interest in all, but rather love a select few with an overriding passion. It is something that has not changed in all the years that I’ve known you.”

“Then maybe I’m trying to change it,” he said, knowing that his voice had gone a touch sulky and utterly unable to help it. He was always in his most raw form, when he was at Baruch’s side, and he had never once had cause to regret it. “Maybe I do want to be the type of angel who does take interest in all, and who extends compassion without it needing to be earned first. Maybe this boy, this now insignificant Will Parry, is just the first step in achieving my goals.”

“ _No_ ,” Baruch said, sounding exasperated for the first time in centuries. When he finally glanced over again, reluctant for once, he saw that the man’s face had twisted into a long suffering grimace. “Balthamos, please. You know very well that you do not need to change anything about yourself, do not need to become more compassionate when you already overflow with it in certain ways. I do not need lies, I just need you to actually admit the truth to yourself.”

“Fine!” He snapped angrily, finally driven beyond the point of falsehood. Strange and wonderful, how Baruch could always do that for him. “ _Fine_. Maybe I am doing all this because I genuinely care for the boy, genuinely want him to have a good life and genuinely want him to be as happy as he can possibly be after he’s been through so very much. There, now are you happy?”

“Very.” Baruch was smiling, actively pleased despite his waspishness. It was a miracle, how the man always managed to find positives even in the most profound darkness. “I always love it, when you’re honest. Love it even more, when you can bring yourself to show a bit of sweetness.”

He grumbled, but couldn’t quite bring himself to make a retort to that. They sat in silence for a long few moments. His wing still wrapped firmly around Baruch, Baruch’s hand still oh so tightly squeezing his.

“I know why I feel such a draw to him, and why I want to protect him so much,” he confessed, into the comfortable silence between them. He wondered why he had ever been afraid of admitting the truth to Baruch, the man always handled it so tenderly. “He is brave, and true, and one of the most selfless people that I have ever met. I haven’t met a human as special as him… Since I met you.”

“Oh, Balthamos,” Baruch said softly, and in the next moment his hand was withdrawing and those warm arms were wrapping ever so tightly around his body. Holding him tight, anchoring him as they always did. “You know, I always have wondered what it’d be like to have a child.”

He smiled, as freely and joyously as he ever did. Leaned in, to gently and tenderly nuzzle against the side of Baruch’s face. “Well. Now I think we finally do.”

And when Baruch leaned in, to kiss him ever so sweetly and ever so hopefully, it felt just like coming home. Just as it always did.


End file.
